This is what it has come down to.

I am scared of falling asleep.

Every night I used to shut off all my lights, lay in my bed all curled up under my blankets, shut my eyes real tight and try to sleep. Of course I would never actually fall asleep, I would just think about horrific things and everything thats going on in my life. I would then start to cry and curl up tighter and tighter, my knees up to my chest, and I would hug myself until I would become too exhausted to do anything but pass out. And I would pray. I would pray that I wouldn't wake up in the morning. That somehow I would disappear before dawn.

I refuse to feel like that ever again. I now no longer sleep. I stay awake until I hallucinate and then pass out on my bed way after the sun comes up. I know this isnt healthy. I know that this is self destructive. I just cant take those horrible thoughts anymore. I dont know what to do, I mean, I know what I NEED to do. I NEED to reset my sleeping patterns and give my mind and body a break. But when will my mind and body give ME a break? I hate this. I hate this so much it hurts. Most of all, though, I hate myself for doing this. I hate myself for every reason imaginable. I dont know what will happen if I keep doing this. I guess we'll all get to find out sooner or later, huh?