I really just want to be content. I hear all this music and all it does is bring me to a time in my life that doesnt exist yet. It's an I'm-not-there-yet kind of place. It's a feeling composed of nostalgia, fear, longing, and regret. You wish it could be closer but at the same time further away. It's a moment filled with orange leaves, green grass, and a deep, setting sun. You run towards it. It beckons you, bribes you, pulls you forward with promises of happiness and the feeling that you finally belong.

I can picture myself there sometimes, sitting in that green grass under the orange leaves reading a wonderful, meaningful book by some unknown author. I can picture myself pulling my hair back behind my ears, squinting at the setting sun. I can picture myself putting on my aviator sunglasses and wrapping one of my beloved scarves closer around my neck. I can picture myself finally being happy.

And it scares me.

And I dont know why.